Today is Bijou Bear's 4th birthday. Happy Birthday Bijou aka sweet girl/bug-a-boo/babybear. I haven't shared this with very many people but I essentially lost custody of Bijou a few months ago. She now lives in Colorado with my ex. She is very happy, healthy and playing in the mountains, as we speak. This experience is par for the course in that the universe sends me the same lesson over and over with the hopes that I will eventually "get it". Yay for painful life lessons! What are my recurring lessons, you ask? Learning how to let go gracefully, having more solid boundaries, and having higher expectations from the start. I have a little stubborn streak (red hair does that to you), so I have a very difficult time letting go, especially when "there is still hope" or when "it doesn't seem fair". These thoughts pose a serious challenge because my optimism seems limitless and I am learning that not everyone has the same idea of "fair" that I do. These personality traits seem positive, right? Perhaps, but there comes a point when having hope becomes delusional and "fair" is relative when not everyone's justice system follows the same moral code. And by the way, I am not saying my code is superior in anyway. I have done my fair share of shitty things to people but I have also learned that karma is no joke, ya'll. This knowledge of karma can bring comfort when I am on the receiving end. I think I have mentioned before that I refuse to get jaded just because people can be shitty sometimes. So where do I go from here? Once the optimism bubble is popped and my idea of "fair" is F&^%'d, how can I move past this groundhog's day once and for all? How does one recognize when it is time to say "peace" to someone or some fight that doesn't serve you anymore? I think the answer is practice. I don't think you know until you know. Only through having the experience or experiences will I know how to recognize the symptoms of "holding on too long". "Why didn't I see it earlier?, How could I let it play out like this?, Why didn't I choose more carefully?." These are some of the thoughts that keep me stuck in the past. So I am trading those thoughts in for: "Nothing went wrong.", "It played out exactly the way it should have.", and I wouldn't know what I know now, if it weren't for this experience." So, have I learned my lesson? Have I finally learned how to let go gracefully? Probably not, but I get better at it every time.
One of the life coach gurus that I follow, Brooke Castillo, says that we are meant to feel negative emotion 50% of the time. The problem with that only arises when we fight with reality and try and avoid feeling those uncomfortable emotions like loss, disappointment, or anger even. Byron Katie, another wise woman, says that when you argue with reality, you lose only 100% of the time. So today my plan is to let it in. I have definitely been putting the Bijou thoughts on hold, not because I am in denial but because I just don't want to miss her. Every time the memory reel starts, I hit pause. But today I am going to let it play and once all the negative emotion has it's turn I am going to focus on gratitude. Because I am grateful. I am grateful for the painful lessons that I have learned, rather, that I am still learning, and for the beautiful memories that I have of her. But mostly I am grateful for the joy and love that I still get to feel for her.
One of the life coach gurus that I follow, Brooke Castillo, says that we are meant to feel negative emotion 50% of the time. The problem with that only arises when we fight with reality and try and avoid feeling those uncomfortable emotions like loss, disappointment, or anger even. Byron Katie, another wise woman, says that when you argue with reality, you lose only 100% of the time. So today my plan is to let it in. I have definitely been putting the Bijou thoughts on hold, not because I am in denial but because I just don't want to miss her. Every time the memory reel starts, I hit pause. But today I am going to let it play and once all the negative emotion has it's turn I am going to focus on gratitude. Because I am grateful. I am grateful for the painful lessons that I have learned, rather, that I am still learning, and for the beautiful memories that I have of her. But mostly I am grateful for the joy and love that I still get to feel for her.
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