July 2
So, alot has happened since the last time I posted. Last month was the first time that I was able to give the IUI process a go. I think the overwhelming feeling was a combination of "hope" and "this is kinda crazy". Overall, I was calmly curious about the outcome. Unlike, the month prior when I was unable to even give it a try due to uncontrollable circumstances. For some reason, that bummed me out more than spending a ton of money, going through a painful procedure, and waiting two weeks to have it be all for naught. Maybe I was just happy to get the ball rolling after all the contemplation and anticipation over the past two years. Nurse Kelly said I was a trooper. I guess most women are quite vocal about the pain during the procedure. I was quite surprised at that and the amount of cramping I experienced after the fact. I thought, "perhaps this is a good sign", but who knows what was really going on in there. So, I walked around for two weeks pondering my future thoroughly. I thought about what sort of side job I might need to get to ensure that I can get really good insurance when the time comes. I looked into a few things but after 17 years in the same occupation and 6 years of working for myself, it's really hard to imagine working for the "man" or "woman". I also, get that starting a family is supposed to be about making sacrifices and being selfless and doing what ya gotta do, but I'm not so sure how I feel about that. Maybe its my stubborn side that rejects all the "supposed tos" in life. Maybe I have an idealistic perspective on what could be, no matter the subject. But first things first. Gotta get preggos. Unfortunately, this is my super busy travel season. Essentially I am out of town for work events every weekend until mid September. This makes things quite challenging since I can't exactly control when I am ovulating. And if I'm ovulating on the weekend it ain't happenin'. So, as it turns out, this last potential opportunity went by while I was still in Canada. Now, yes, I had the thought of just hooking up with a fine strapping Canadian specimen and I even contemplated whether my future offspring would have dual-citizenship. Kidding. The truth be told, I've thoroughly thought through the option of a random hook up in the past and ruled it out for good reason. Mainly, that it isn't in the best interest of the child, it's not exactly safe, and it's quite deceitful, in regards to the unknowing male participant. But oh, so tempting and a lot cheaper. Too bad their Prime Minister is married. I might have made an exception.
An unfortunate side effect to my decision to "go at it alone" is that I can't shake the thought that my dating life is sort of over for a long long while. I know that if I were to council myself I would say in my idealistic way "you never know what the future has in store" and "thoughts become things" and all that other fluffy commentary that I actually subscribe to. But really, I can't exactly go on any dates and have this discussion: He asks; "So tell me a little about yourself?" I respond: "Well, I am currently in the process of starting a family on my own through artificial insemination, no biggie." or "So how soon are you ready to start a family?.... Oh right, we should probably get to know each other before we have a baby together. That's probably a good idea....Yeah well, I don't really have time for that. Next?"
-to be continued- August 31
These last few months have been extremely full of work travel. I have enjoyed every trip but am looking forward to enjoying a few weekends at home again. But that will have to wait a few more weeks, sadly. As will my next attempt at mommy-hood. With my big event coming up next weekend I chose not to try this last month. I have been told that stress can be a huge factor during conception and I didn't really want to risk it. So it's back to the drawing board, again. Later this month, I will try again. I spent some time last weekend with a friend who is currently expecting, so I'm hoping it rubbed off a little. I rubbed her belly a few times for good luck. I have been getting on track with my health as of late and organizing my life to help make room for this new potential reality. I have also moved in with a close friend who has great energy and loads of experience with babies. Many of you might not know that I taught Montessori preschool for three years. So I am very comfortable connecting and communicating with little humans and big humans from the ages of 2 and above but babies are entirely foreign to me. All I have in my wheelhouse is raising a puppy. "It's pretty much the same thing, right?"
So next on my list besides setting up my doctor's appointments is to start my life coach business. I think I have put that on hold for a few reasons; fear of what seems like holding someone's life in my hands, not feeling entirely stable in my own life, and just my usual go-to avoidance tendency. Yay, for unconscious behaviors running our lives. But I feel a shift. I've always noticed how discipline begets discipline. And as I've gotten more organized at home, that led to being more financially prepared, physically healthy and less avoidant, in general. So, the Netflix marathons are now more like half marathons. I'm feeling like I'm getting closer to taking that next step in my career and in my own personal growth. The discomfort is part of the journey, and I'm not going to get anywhere if I don't cross that bridge. I just hope I can keep up the momentum I've got going right now to push me to the other side.
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