So, we missed the window this last time, no big deal, I thought. Well, the first two days after getting the news I told myself that this was to be expected, that realistically this could take up to a year, at least. However, the days that followed surprised me. I was definitely in a funk. Perhaps, because things finally got real. Once you take the leap, the excitement builds and you allow yourself to get a little hopeful, a little higher if you will. But as you know, the higher you get the further you have to fall. I wonder how one maintains emotional sanity through all the ups and downs. I am sure most people will say by leaning on your friends and family, but I am not very good at asking for help, so those few low days were pretty rough. Granted, my disappointment was nothing compared to miscarrying or losing a loved one but the emotions that came up for me were definitely in line with the 5 stages of grief. I actually kind of just stuck with three: anger, depression and acceptance. Anger at my ex for taking away precious time, Depression out of fear that it won't happen, and Acceptance because that is what I do best. You wouldn't think that Acceptance could be a character fault, but in my case, it can be. I am a little too good at accepting people and situations for what and who they are. But that is a story for another time. So, I finally snapped out of it and got my ass out of bed. "TAKE 2" is now in the works. I went in for another ultrasound the other day and Nurse Kelly said everything looks great. I have a nice clean slate and we should be ready to try again next Tuesday. I also just started taking a hormone that stimulates ovulation and so far I haven't had any side effects. I am not behaving any crazier than usual anyway. I am hopeful that this works sooner rather than later for many reasons. One in particular is related to my travel schedule. As many of you know, I travel on the weekends and these next few months are especially busy. I am gone every weekend, in fact. So I am not sure if I will even be in town for the "right time". But I plan to deal with that when the time comes. Stay tuned for further musings.
So yesterday, we got to see up close how my little eggs are doing. Seems exciting enough, right? Well, word is that we are just a few days out from INSEMINATION DAY-dun dun dunnnn! Saturday looks like it will be the lucky day. We were hoping that it would be tomorrow but my little eggies need to cooked a little longer. We need more of an over hard, rather than an over easy, I guess. Yeah, I know "That's what she said." Although, the ultrasound procedure left me feeling like I got punched in the ovaries, the nurse doing the procedure was super awesome. I am excited to have her be a part of the process. Her name is Kelly and she has a fabulous energy about her. This is important, because this is some pretty heavy shit, ya'll. And I am not just talking about what goes on physically, it's the emotional and psychological adjustments that have to be made in order to even start this process that seem impossible. This choice has been a long time in the making and along the way I have and am still dealing with some serious processing. Once again, the irony of bringing new life into the world is coupled with mourning somehow. Yes, mourning, like the thing you experience when you lose someone. I have and continue to be mourning the loss of what my mommy life was "supposed" to be like. I never in a million years imagined that I would be doing this alone at almost 42 years old. Yes, I am almost 42. Don't tell anyone, ok.
Somehow we have been programmed to think that anything less than the perfect time, the perfect mate, the perfect house, the perfect financial situation create the only scenario where it's ok to pursue starting a family. Now, how many people really have that experience? We all "should" on ourselves way too much. I think most people start making compromises here and there to try and squeeze into that mold. Perhaps, we stay with someone who is emotionally abusive, or we choose to work at a job that makes us miserable, or we are swimming in debt to keep up with the Jones. The reality is that we can have that perfect scenario and start the perfect family and the universe will decide to throw us a massive perfect curveball. Or something inside of us will start screaming "Let me out!" I don't think this makes us bad people. I am not sure what that voice really means, but it is important that we don't muzzle it. It might just be signaling a little healthy fear or it might be saying "This is all wrong for you." So, we might as well let go of the pressure to find what is "perfect" according to everyone else and start looking for what makes us truly happy. What really works for you? Perhaps, what will really make you happy is to live childless and single forever in downtown Manhattan as a serious workaholic, or perhaps you prefer to work to live. If that's the case why not go find a mindless job that pays just enough money for a shack on the beach so that you can spend your days scuba diving. Not enough of us really take the time to follow that all-knowing internal compass. For me, I like a simple life. I am definitely a work to live person. I want to work as little as possible, so that I can spend more time with the important people in my life. Time for me is the most valuable commodity, especially when it comes to raising children. So, my goal moving forward into this new mommy experience is to carve out as much time as possible. What will I be sacrificing? Just "stuff" I imagine. "Stuff" I can live without. Because oftentimes, having the "stuff" means that I have to spend more time away working. "Stuff" is meant to make your life easier but oftentimes it just makes it more stressful. It is really hard to smile when you have no time to breathe. So lately, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about how I can simplify my life to make room for this all consuming experience.
Back to the mourning thing. Although it might seem like I am strong and that I have a pretty good game-plan and emotional perspective on it all, the truth is this: I still walked into the grocery store today checking out every potential donor aka life partner. I honestly don't think I will completely give up that glimmer of hope until the big day. Perhaps, it is biological, perhaps it is the imprint of all the "shoulds", either way, the feeling makes me doubt myself and my choice. I am definitely going forward and I know in my heart that it is the right direction for me. Throughout my life I have often been reminded of the Phoenix. This mystical creature represents death and rebirth. Repeatedly, I feel that I have lived this cycle within this one lifetime. I'd like to think that I am experiencing the death of an identity that I essentially outgrew. That this new single mommy life will be a slightly more enlightened version of myself with fancy new feathers and new vision.
Although this is my very first blog post ever and this blog is meant to relay my journey into motherhood, this is not the beginning of my journey. The more traditional scenarios have come my way but for whatever reason the universe has seen fit to guide me in a different direction. No surprise there. As I begin writing, I am tempted to write my life story, a journey in itself unconventional, but instead I will start with an announcement; "Today I bought some sperm. YAY! Happy sperm day to me." Sperm donor #14511 aka Teacher of the Year is the lucky winner. Some of you have been privy to my intention to go at it alone for quite some time. And others are currently saying to themselves "Woah" or "You go girl!" and some are of course saying " I have a good sample for you. You just had to ask." Very funny.
I have had a lot of support along the way, but no matter how much support I get from friends and family, I cannot help but think about how lonely this experience can be at times. The irony being that when all is said and done I will have another human being growing inside of me. So the goal of this blog is multi-faceted. First, I imagine that the process of writing about what has contributed to this decision and what will unfold next will be extremely cathartic. Second, I hope that by documenting my journey, the blog might act as a support tool for future Go At It Alone Girls like myself. And last, I think this will be a fun way to share my experiences with my friends and family a long the way.
However, this is not going to be just a fluffy stuffed animal, cute little toes and smells like baby powder kind of blog. This is going to be a candid look at what it is really like to Go At It Alone. So, if you have a strong stomach then feel free to get on the roller coaster that has been and will be a seriously interesting ride.