So yesterday, we got to see up close how my little eggs are doing. Seems exciting enough, right? Well, word is that we are just a few days out from INSEMINATION DAY-dun dun dunnnn! Saturday looks like it will be the lucky day. We were hoping that it would be tomorrow but my little eggies need to cooked a little longer. We need more of an over hard, rather than an over easy, I guess. Yeah, I know "That's what she said." Although, the ultrasound procedure left me feeling like I got punched in the ovaries, the nurse doing the procedure was super awesome. I am excited to have her be a part of the process. Her name is Kelly and she has a fabulous energy about her. This is important, because this is some pretty heavy shit, ya'll. And I am not just talking about what goes on physically, it's the emotional and psychological adjustments that have to be made in order to even start this process that seem impossible. This choice has been a long time in the making and along the way I have and am still dealing with some serious processing. Once again, the irony of bringing new life into the world is coupled with mourning somehow. Yes, mourning, like the thing you experience when you lose someone. I have and continue to be mourning the loss of what my mommy life was "supposed" to be like. I never in a million years imagined that I would be doing this alone at almost 42 years old. Yes, I am almost 42. Don't tell anyone, ok.
Somehow we have been programmed to think that anything less than the perfect time, the perfect mate, the perfect house, the perfect financial situation create the only scenario where it's ok to pursue starting a family. Now, how many people really have that experience? We all "should" on ourselves way too much. I think most people start making compromises here and there to try and squeeze into that mold. Perhaps, we stay with someone who is emotionally abusive, or we choose to work at a job that makes us miserable, or we are swimming in debt to keep up with the Jones. The reality is that we can have that perfect scenario and start the perfect family and the universe will decide to throw us a massive perfect curveball. Or something inside of us will start screaming "Let me out!" I don't think this makes us bad people. I am not sure what that voice really means, but it is important that we don't muzzle it. It might just be signaling a little healthy fear or it might be saying "This is all wrong for you." So, we might as well let go of the pressure to find what is "perfect" according to everyone else and start looking for what makes us truly happy. What really works for you? Perhaps, what will really make you happy is to live childless and single forever in downtown Manhattan as a serious workaholic, or perhaps you prefer to work to live. If that's the case why not go find a mindless job that pays just enough money for a shack on the beach so that you can spend your days scuba diving. Not enough of us really take the time to follow that all-knowing internal compass. For me, I like a simple life. I am definitely a work to live person. I want to work as little as possible, so that I can spend more time with the important people in my life. Time for me is the most valuable commodity, especially when it comes to raising children. So, my goal moving forward into this new mommy experience is to carve out as much time as possible. What will I be sacrificing? Just "stuff" I imagine. "Stuff" I can live without. Because oftentimes, having the "stuff" means that I have to spend more time away working. "Stuff" is meant to make your life easier but oftentimes it just makes it more stressful. It is really hard to smile when you have no time to breathe. So lately, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about how I can simplify my life to make room for this all consuming experience.
Back to the mourning thing. Although it might seem like I am strong and that I have a pretty good game-plan and emotional perspective on it all, the truth is this: I still walked into the grocery store today checking out every potential donor aka life partner. I honestly don't think I will completely give up that glimmer of hope until the big day. Perhaps, it is biological, perhaps it is the imprint of all the "shoulds", either way, the feeling makes me doubt myself and my choice. I am definitely going forward and I know in my heart that it is the right direction for me. Throughout my life I have often been reminded of the Phoenix. This mystical creature represents death and rebirth. Repeatedly, I feel that I have lived this cycle within this one lifetime. I'd like to think that I am experiencing the death of an identity that I essentially outgrew. That this new single mommy life will be a slightly more enlightened version of myself with fancy new feathers and new vision.
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